Stress and Anxiety

Stress isn't always bad. Anxiety is bad. Anxiety is a horrible thing I never really experienced before college and I hate it. It's unnecessary. It doesn't help anyone live life, it just makes it harder to be productive and forward thinking. It's like my middle name or something.

Those two people in the top picture are random people at the mall I approached and asked if I could take a picture of them. And on the bottom is an awkward picture of myself. Yeah, that's my arm sticking out...so I could take the picture.

This Wednesday I went to the local Walmart Supercenter in Claypool Hill, Virginia and I stood outside of the door asking strangers if I could take their picture. I got a lot of "No"s. And some "okay"s and probably at least one "sure". I got two "are you sure I won't break your camera?" which I didn't find particularly funny but appreciated them letting me take their picture. But I'm a shy person and it was nervewracking. Eventually I got too cold (I was sick already) and weary of soliciting and I quit. I probably only got 10-14 people photographed. I went inside and bought Robitussin and a cheap tripod to take pictures of landscapes and inanimate objects. Which is so much easier than approaching strangers. I also ran into my guidance counselor from elementary school who seemed to be the same age he was when I was five. Although when I was five I thought he was a really old person. We used to play this game in kindergarten where one person describes something about a person they are looking at, and says stuff like, "this person has short hair" and everyone else tries to guess who they are thinking of. If you guess correctly, you get to be the person who does the describing. We loved that game badly. That just goes to show...how easy it is to enjoy life when you're young unjaded and ignorant.

Outside of my dorm room door, some guy just said to some girl in a voice that indicates a level of friendliness, "hey Evil Bitch!"

I'm tired. Goodnight.

Do Downers Make Peace with Life?

Hope. It's is a strange thing. For some reason it's hard for me to hold on to. I remember the first time I watched Sideways, it worried me that I related to Miles, the balding, discouraged, character that Paul Giamatti plays. I wasn't balding and my novel didn't get rejected by a publisher and I wasn't still in love with my ex-wife who was getting re-married and having a baby; but I was discouraged, and I'd pretty much believed that I was a failure of sorts. Even though nothing had actually happened. I projected this whole future in which I would do some job I wasn't into and never find an outlet from it and end up alone. Feeling pretty glum about my prospects in the universe, because I haven't really done anything in college that's given me direction for the future. That's how I felt and thought last spring break. But I feel more hopeful now. I learned to replace my irrationally depressing projections of the future with more rational although still somewhat depressing thoughts.

Um. I saw Sideways again last night. I appreciate a movie that actually portrays realistic life. Even though...real life kind of sucks. It can be such a downer! Sideways isn't a downer really. It's a comedy of sorts but it edges close to being a downer. It ends on a note of hope after showing you all the crap you have to go through to get there. Happy endings are so important. If our lives end unhappily, does that alter their meaning? If our lives are crappy but end on a positive note, what does that mean? Does it even matter to anyone but ourselves? My dad knows I'm negative and I've struggled with depression. He sent me this quote by William Saroyan:

In the time of your life, live--so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it.

I hope I'll make peace with life like that.

Eating Barbie. And My Beginner's Photography Class

I'm posting some of my black and white photography. For the first picture, I had to buy a Barbie doll, set up a tripod in Wilbur Dining, build a salad, wipe Ranch dressing off of Barbie, and get weird looks. For the two other photos I went to an off-ramp next to Dumbarton Bridge.

Insalata Barbie

Self-portrait

Untitled

Sitting at my desk wasting time.

I have four pink roses on my desk in a white cup. I stole them from a Manz Dining table the day after Faculty Night. It's nice having them around. It cheers me up. I sometimes think I wouldn't like to receive flowers, but if they're small roses that don't crowd my desk, I appreciate them. Although I hate red roses because they're a bloody hue. Yellow with crimson tips are nice, as are peach, pale pink, and blush pink. I also like white gardenias floating in a clear dish, and blue hydrangeas in outdoor gardens.

I'm supposed to be reading Paradise Lost and short stories by Zora Neale Hurston. I'm not a fan of either. I'm actively opposed to John Milton. Freshmen year, I had to read most of Paradise Lost and the poem "Lycidas". It's awful, because I can't understand it the way my professor can, who says he became an English professor because of Paradise Lost. Oh Save me.

My friend Kammy's little brother is a mind reader. Today he said, are you bipolar or something? I was like, I've thought about it, but it became clear than I am not. He said, "I bet you were disappointed." How did he know that?!?!?!?! I was indeed disappointed. I didn't get a simple explanation to sum me up! There's no disorder that can pin my neuroses down, I suppose.

A Mean Proof, Modified:
Concerning the Age of My Roommate (age 21)
1. Athena's favorite movie is 10 Things I Hate About You
2. 10 Things I Hate About You is about teenagers, for teenagers.
3. Athena is a teenager.